Not sure why someone would throw this gum in the urinal. It’s not even hard yet
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I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
The world’s oldest person has died. Now they’ll be looking for a replacement, but if you’re offered the job, turn it down. It’s highly dangerous and there are way too many fatalities.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
8: but grandma let me
Me: well my mom is cooler than yours
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
too many types of pasta. I can say my fav is flincharoni and not one of you can be sure if it’s real. look at you googling it.
Our dog knows way too many phrases now, so my husband and I have resorted to talking like Victorian nobility to get anything by him. “Have you taken the dog on a brisk adventure recently? Would you escort the canine to the backyard, forthwith? Has he supped yet?”
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”