not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
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wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
also my go-to takeaway order
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.