Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
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date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
If the government wants me to work so bad then they should give me a job at the unemployment office
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
I had two werewolves inside me, but I lost them both, so now I have wherewolves
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
Feel. He’s so soft.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.