not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
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[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Cat or sheep
