not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
You Might Also Like
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
Me: “you can’t just buy my forgiveness with cheese”
2 minutes later Me: “ok you can, this is some damn good cheese”
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Maybe the reason violence never solves anything is cuz theres never enough of it, you dont know.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
The dog seemed okay with living in a Jewish household until we scheduled his circumcision
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.