not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
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I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
“Huge”.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes