not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
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“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
“your password is too weak” just wait until you see my impulse control
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.