Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit

Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.

Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.

“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table

I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.

My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.

HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral

murderer: *stabbing me*

me: 🙂

murderer: doesn’t it hurt?

me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)

I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”

I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat

The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.

them: did u get my email?

me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?

did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?

Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?

Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts

Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks

It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.

Adult trick-or-treating: One house gives chocolate, the next gives wine, and the last tells me how to stop killing my plants.

Romeo: I lost my cow

Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?

The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.

Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.

Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.

Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.

Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do

I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.

Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?

Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10

Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.

I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince

nobody

literally nobody

my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself

Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.

Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”