Not telling the NYPD how to do their job but if they really wanted to catch the guy they should have offered free healthcare as a reward
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*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
eating my hot dog hamburger style
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
“I’m over 40 and I stretched.”
-me, explaining why I can’t move my back
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times