Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Executioner: last words?

Me: pop

Executioner: we say soda here

Me:

Executioner: say soda

Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-

Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA

[Me in a horror movie]

*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*

Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*

“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.

I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.

[forgetting what kombucha is called] do you guys sell bacteria cider

Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit

🤣

Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.

Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.

I don’t need a participation trophy. I don’t want anyone to know that I was here.

this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.

*watches Charlotte’s Web*

Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror

Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?

My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.

When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.

Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.

everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.

Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them

You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.

[Mom’s house]

Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces

Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery

no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them

[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to

If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.

THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on

I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.

dad: when i die, donate my body to science

[later]

me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go

Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?

Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.

I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.