Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.

Now I don’t have any.

keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.

I’ve never completed a marathon, but I’ve listened to my mom tell a story, so don’t talk to me about endurance.

[first day of zoology class]

me: what fighting style do geese use?

professor: excuse me?

me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese

professor: i don’t think-

me: tae swan do

My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.

*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?

no refunds

I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?

Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym

ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.

I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.

Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail

Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?

Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst

*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape

😭😭😭

If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches

Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.

Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.

Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.

Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.

Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.

Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.

Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.

[death row]

prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?

me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years

Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.

[8 hours later]

Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.

day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island

day 18: im starting to think that help will never come

day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!

day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen

*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*

I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.

[god, creating ducks]

Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know

I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.