Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 2 year old woke up.

5 minutes of “Mommy!”

5 minutes of “Mommy?”

Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.

The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.

People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.

robber: empty the register, no funny business

joke store owner: oh no

Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.

one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert

Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.

My 9-year-old beat the system. I asked him what he wanted to be for Halloween and he said fisherman so he got new fishing pants and a fishing vest and a fishing hat. He’s all set up now for one night to trick or treat and a whole year of fishing.

I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”

Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired

Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?

Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for

The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.

I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”

My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.

But I know I can win her back.

I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.

Wait. We’re now turning plants into burgers? Haven’t cows been doing that like, forever.

A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.

For example:

– Jill ate her friend’s sandwich.
– Jill ate her friend’s colon.

Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners

3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?

Me: of course sweetie

3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?

Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!

3: what was your favourite part?

Me:

3:

Me:

3:

Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?

3: mine too yay!

Me: yay!

I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”

i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.

Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not

1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…

2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?

I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.

When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.

Broom by every window for quick escape.

David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.

If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.

What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??