Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single

I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.

My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.

Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.

I can’t unsee it now

[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin

Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.

I opened a pistachio once…

Worst 37 minutes of my life.

Once my toddler became OBSESSED with the pink Amoxicillin. She LOVED it and WANTED it

I put it up HIGH on top of the HIGHEST counter

She stood motionless, staring up at it for a good 5 minutes

Then I started to hear furniture moving

I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.

Ryan Reynolds is my cousin

~ me flirting

~ also me lying

God: I call it a Caterpillar

Angel: What is it?

God: A worm with feet

Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?

God: Then it grows wings

doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high

me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep

Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me

Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.

Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.

My work here is don’t.

Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”

Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.

Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit

Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-

Me: I have a grandma.

“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”

[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam

I created you as mosquito food.

I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.

Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?

me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up

my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass

Sunday Family Dinner:

Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?

Me: Isn’t that your third husband?

MIL:

M:

MIL:

M: Gravy?

I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.

I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)

The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.