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Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Scream sneezers need love too.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”