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I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Cardio Made Easy
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
I sing this with my entire soul to anyone within earshot. I truly believe, in my heart of hearts, that anything that is broken can always be mended.
-The inventor of duct tape, probably
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.