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<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
My favorite part of any relationship is the very beginning, before the other person realizes what a mess you are and what a huge mistake they are making
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
To whoever started playing Jumanji in 2016, please finish your game. This is getting out of hand.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
new wife guy just dropped
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics