corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
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friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
screw you
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours