Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making

My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol

I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.

“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”

I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, “Man wanted for robbery.”

So I went in and applied for the job.

Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!

my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend

Hear me out….

A pub crawl, but to bakeries.

I’m going to normalize a new trend.

Unsolicited *CROC* pics

Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.

Had an epiphany today.

Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist

Either there are two cops in my fridge or I’ve accidentally opened the front door again

Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”

Me: “Get away from it.”

I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…

I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…

The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate

No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.

The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.

Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.

*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*

*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*

*Shovel
*Lye
*Gloves

Cashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”

*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp

Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.

FBI: oops wrong one

ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.

FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?

ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.

I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”

Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime

I cannot believe all of these people are out!

-Me when I’m out

welcome mats are just gateway rugs

You know you’re a bad cook when the dog won’t lick the plate.

[squirrel meeting]

Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator

Owl: hoo

Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen