Not the sharpest cheddar on the charcuterie board…
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In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
those birds must be on payroll
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
son: she literally knows nothing
me: not literally, figuratively. If it were literally she wouldn’t be able to function
son: you are literally the most annoying dad in the world
me: now you’re getting the hang of it