Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond

I was getting my mail today and my neighbor asked me if I was gay and I was like “what?” He said he was only asking because of my rainbow lanyard and I was like “oh no it’s much weirder than that.”

Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns

CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?

I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.

This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet

A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do

How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?

The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before

american computer: would u like to enable cookies

british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv

[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?

I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am

My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv

Jungle book…she meant jungle book

If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this

teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*

me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?

I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?

What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan

Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]

My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.

you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise

I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.

Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”

I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.

Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”

*eating freshly baked cookies*

4: I want lots more!

Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache

4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!

I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.

Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work

HR: Yes, that was the problem.

Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”

The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.