Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.

I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.

Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself

Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable

Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?

geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them

Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh

I have never related to anyone more.

If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.

Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.

My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.

Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.

12yo: Download it from the app store

Me:

Husband:

12yo:

(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)

6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.

don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄

Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.

I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.

I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season

Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.

Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.

I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday

Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.

Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..

Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.

My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.

May I pay you handsomely, good sir?

-Why yes you may.

*opens wallet*

*pulls out Ryan Gosling*

On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.

I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.

Don’t you hate it when you go in ALDI to buy an apple and walk past the middle aisle and then you’re back in your car with a 4 person tent and a fucking bbq

When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight