Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*

*grass dies due to lack of water*

You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.

You ever try to stab salad lettuce with a fork? It’s like trying to put pants on a toddler. Oh I got… nooo, no I don’t

Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:

*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*

[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open

Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it

Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?

Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.

“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.

I’m a new werewolf and I have questions

-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods

Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside

Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.

It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”

A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”

A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”

Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.

[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”

VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!

I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.

My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips

Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….

Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.

To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”

Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?

Wife: I’m definitely bothered

How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?

Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”

Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.

“I don’t have a library card, can I get on a computer?”
“You don’t have a card?”
“Nope.”
“But the printing. And ebooks.”
“No thanks.”
“And databases and DVDs.”
“Nah.”
“And every year on your birthday library workers come to your house and sing.”
“Really?”
“One way to find out.”

me: can I get a job application

mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience

me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these

Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.

i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only

You know what they say about a guy with big hands?

He can carry more cheeseburgers.

I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.

I just invented the world’s fastest escalator.

I call it the “escanow.”