not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
You Might Also Like
Forget tequila, I’m at the age where you can wake up with a hangover from Netflix
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
My daughter whose into astronomy asked “how do stars die’?
I said “usually a overdose”
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie