not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
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I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
War & Peace
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?
Me: No Sir it will be round
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?