Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if the Trump assassin’s real goal all along was to break up Tenacious D

No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.

wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse

doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-

*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*

4yo: Do you want to play pretend?

Me: I already am.

4yo: What pretend?

Me: Shh, you’re not here.

My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”

ME: So. You from around here?

HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.

Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that

Barber: What can I do for you?

Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?

Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?

Me: Can you do it or not?

I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.

Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.

My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it

I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”

Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.

Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?

DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos

I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken

Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today

CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.

Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath

Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch

I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.

Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.

Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks

For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.

PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.

“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”

That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?

Sit. Down.

Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?

4 Year Old: Chocolate

Me: You really are my child.

Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.

Flock of geese

Murder of crows

Mistake of beers

[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*

Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?

My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.