Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
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If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Life cycle of cat
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.