Not to be all get off my lawn about it but at what point are we going to decide that maybe our vacuums and our refrigerators don’t need to connect to the internet and I shouldn’t need to have a password to do my laundry.
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DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
my nickname in college
Has there ever been a more American story?
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
#milo
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?