Not to be all get off my lawn about it but at what point are we going to decide that maybe our vacuums and our refrigerators don’t need to connect to the internet and I shouldn’t need to have a password to do my laundry.
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The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.