Not to be all get off my lawn about it but at what point are we going to decide that maybe our vacuums and our refrigerators don’t need to connect to the internet and I shouldn’t need to have a password to do my laundry.
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so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
True
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
If someone from ziplock could contact Literally anyone in the cereal Business that would be great…
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
One time in summer camp I asked the rabbi if it was kosher to eat ham flavored chips if they didn’t actually have any ham in the ingredients and that’s the kind of question that takes up 80% of the Talmud and it ends with two elderly throwing hands over it
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
One time, I gave a man a fish and he was like, thanks I’ll eat today, but what about tomorrow, so I taught him how to go to the grocery store.