not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
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Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Me: I’m sorry. I never know what to do with my hands, especially when I’m nervous
Driving instructor: *screaming intensifies
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced