not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
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As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
It is my birthday. 🥳
If you’re American, please vote
If you’re not American, marry me
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
My son asked my wife why I make noises every time I stand up.
She told him it’s because I’m a groan man.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Do you know what kind of pants a psychic wears?
Just a paranormal pants.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
you’ve destroyed the sanctity of this gazebo you belligerent fool
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok