Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
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My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
I once sneezed so hard that I set every clock back two hours, and the Sky Marshall had a little talk with me once we landed
So my husband grew up on a rural cattle farm, and later became a massive history buff.
He recently decided to invest hours of research into tracing his family line all the way back to 15th century Sweden:
— where they were all rural cattle farmers.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
It’s amazing how much destruction a 4yo can cause between the hours of 5:30 and 5:37 am.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.