Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
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Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
I’m being attacked 😭
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.