Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
You Might Also Like
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Wife: this is why I don’t take you shopping
Me: [hiding in the middle of a department store clothes rack] try to find me
I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.
I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”
He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
I called the cops on my own party once because I was ready to go to bed.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.