Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
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Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up