Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[interview]

What is your greatest strength?

“Throwing my voice”

You’re hired!

“Ok great, thanks”

Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good

I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”

…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.

When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.

Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?

I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife

I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3

My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy

It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.

The more you know.

My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”

After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.

me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time

onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog

Once my toddler became OBSESSED with the pink Amoxicillin. She LOVED it and WANTED it

I put it up HIGH on top of the HIGHEST counter

She stood motionless, staring up at it for a good 5 minutes

Then I started to hear furniture moving

The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.

Been there, done that.

– Australia when America is getting up on Monday morning

I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.

I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?

I decided against all those options and took the ticket.

i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only

My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions

I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.

Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies

Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana

Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?

I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.

[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down here

guy: ya but it’s a dry heat

me: i totally get why you’re here

Please be on notice:

From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.

“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.

A holiday of 20 days, 6 countries and the first thing my kid says after being back is “ah I have missed my own toilet”.

Me: WHOOMP! there it is.

Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.

if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time

Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?

Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.

If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.

Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars