Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
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Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
The worst part of getting struck by lightning is everyone seeing your skeleton
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
My 6yo just told me all about this new place he heard about and wants to visit this weekend, so I asked for more details, aaaand it’s a casino
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
i thought i was gonna watch the craziest cooking show in history
Hungry me has no respect for bathroom scale me.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?