Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.

I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.

Me, reading some of your tweets

Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.

“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said

“Engage with the wider community”, they said

“You have the right to remain silent”, they said

I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.

[Anteater eats some termites]

[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”

me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]

cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?

me: snow storm?

I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”

The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun

Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.

We are never having children.

There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geese

Guess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.

Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election

ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.

THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.

ME: Show your enemy two quarters.

*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.

I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.

I don’t care, the spider’s dead.

bro: she stressing u out g??

me:

boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago

[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast

There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.

38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out

husband: do you know where the thing is

me: can I buy a noun

Surely it must be just Zealand by now.

{job interview}

Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?

Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty

Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*

[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”

“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds

Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)

You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.

My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.