Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
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As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Looks like I picked the wrong century to start selling encyclopedias door to door.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!