Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
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“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
My boss called in sick of me
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Free him
Single and childfree like Jesus
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.