Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
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[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
What do you call it when one banana eats another?
Cannibananabalism.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant