Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
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SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
energy cannot be created nor destroyed
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
sometimes ppl ask why they got blocked and it’s bc you posted something annoying so i looked you up, found your address, went to your home, snuck inside, looked in your wardrobe, and didn’t like what i saw
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Any big tech pitch these days: So you know how we all hate the things that make life worth living, right? Well,
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
My gf is so sweet… We just had that silly “hall pass” convo, ig she didn’t wanna make me jealous with a hunky celeb so she said some random nobody from her job ☺️ and she wasn’t remotely intimidated when my answer was Anna freaking Kendrick 😅
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Me: Did you clean your room?
Child: Yes.
Me: Let me rephrase. Is your room clean?
Child: No.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.