Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
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* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Thumbnail on my tv now says “TUBI: HOME OF SUPER BOWL LIX” and what must that look like to a generation who never learned Roman numerals
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.