Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
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I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Wow planes really have bad luck on that day
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Everyone is using AI to write business emails, texts, etc. At this point in time, we may as well just tell our AIs to talk to each other and then let us know what kind of deal they worked out