Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
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Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
rich people when they have to pay taxes
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke