Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
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I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
*gets up from couch after laying on it with eyes closed for 30 minutes*
Me: I’m going to take a nap.
Husband: Wasn’t that just what you were doing?
Me: That was a pre-nap. Time for the real thing.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.