Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My grandad used to say the only way to gain knowledge was through asking questions. He truly was a whys man.

Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.

Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times

dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’

just got on my email and unsubscribed from a bakery that i bought a cake from 3 years ago. after unsubscribing they sent another email saying ‘are you sure a friend didn’t unsubscribe you by mistake’? how often is that situation happening.

Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —

Satan: I have a girlfriend.

Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.

Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.

Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?

*rips finished page from adult coloring book*

*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*

“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”

UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.

I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.

My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.

So I keep making mistakes.

Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.

Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?

Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.

Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…

Interviewer: Strengths?

Me: Vocabulary?

Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?

Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*

(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany

I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.

I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.

[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]

*first day as a coach*

Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!

Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before

GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?

GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?

Boxing is born.

I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*

The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero

co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?

me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.

When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?

I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”