Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
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Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Pee pressure > peer pressure
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
U talkin 2 me?
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I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
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Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Breadcrumbs on mac and cheese be like here let’s sprinkle some carbs on top of these carbs
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS