Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
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With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin