Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.

She’s stuck at work again.

I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.

Boss: How were your weekends?

Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team

Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter

Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly

Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes

I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)

Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.

Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?

I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens

Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.

Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?

Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda

I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”

Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?

Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.

fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians

“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police

stages of moving house

1. omg i have so much stuff i’m so stressed
2. wait i don’t have that much left i’ll be fine
3. omg i have way more stuff than i thought
4. fuck. the kitchen

When I was a manager in Greggs, I told the other staff that I was also a sausage roll quality tester, because HQ said the sausage rolls are their star product and must be perfect. I had one free from every batch that was made. There is no sausage roll quality tester position.

date: I like to tell dad jokes

me: does he laugh?

date: what

[mission]

CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?

ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work

CMDR: What? Let me see

ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink

Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.

Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.

I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!

Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.

Me: They’re ibuprofen.

Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem

My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.

Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.

That’s someone else’s problem.

-me, putting back a pen that wouldn’t write

Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions

That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive

At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.

Person: Home decor is a niche market.

Me: Baked flan with a savory filling thickened with eggs is a quiche market.