Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
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In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
[My 2 girls have been doing skin care and my wife is trying to get them to stop]
My wife: I didn’t do skin care when I was your age.
6yo: Yeah, because skin care wasn’t even invented then.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it