Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat

Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.

I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic

[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me

Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids

Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.

Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person

I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100

I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.

It’s either sink or swim.

#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead

[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline

A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?

I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!

The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.

Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.

Really bad spell of wether.

It’s Fat Bear Week, and they have been storing fat all year for the coming winter. Cute, considering that I’ve been doing that for decades and get absolutely no recognition

How do dragons blow out candles?

ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?

HER: give me back my baby

Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.

If you work at a library and a barber shop you’re a barbarian

I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.

I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.

GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations

MOSES: no way

GOD: yahweh

MOSES: ok so what is it

The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”

The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.

The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing

I believe in workplace drug testing.

That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.

Let’s test which one works faster.

You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.

If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.

When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.