Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel đ€©
![]()
You Might Also Like
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
đ€«
![]()
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his âfansâ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, âHow could you do this to me?â at least 2 times per day.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas đ„ș
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: sheâs 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldnât count against you at trial. âIt proves you were trying to get away with it.â No, it proves I didnât want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to schoolâŠno cookies or candy please. Letâs keep it healthy:)[same email]
Todayâs lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN â You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER â Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN â Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Iâve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure itâs finally time, now that Iâm 84 months postpartum.
[Dracula giving his son âthe talkâ]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Draculaâs son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was âbehaving as good as a banana doesâ and now I have so many more questions
During this heat wave with high humidity Iâve not wasted time combing my hair and Iâm looking like a chia pet.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. Iâm like âYou have no real plan, Iâve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you donât have the money. For these reasons, I am out.â
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if theyâre missing a finger?
My boss: Iâm going home early
Honestly people shouldnât even be allowed to talk until theyâre like 35 years old.
I canât believe thereâs this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people wonât even spring for full-size Snickers
Nobody does âIâm walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate Iâm not happy about itâ like a dog.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldnât take it any more.
âWould you just eat your donut already?!?â
My therapist told me âtime heals all woundsâ,
So I stabbed him. Now we waitâŠ