Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.

A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.

Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …

Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.

I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.

All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.

Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.

You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”

Happy Caturday!

Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!

when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you

I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…

Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.

It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.

Me: I’m going to eat healthier.

My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.

For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.

Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?

Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…

It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.

I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.

[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]

Calling in stupid to work tomorrow

Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.

He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk

it’s dangerous to go alone, take this

The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.

me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02

me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06

me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28

Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.

[Exit interview]

HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?

GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:

What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂

ME: Table for 7 please

WAITER: Hahahahahahaha

ME: 7-p-m. Just me

WAITER: Okay that makes more sense