Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

U U U U U U

An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.

I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?

The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.

Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?

Me: Are you surprised I like kids?

Him: I’m surprised you had sex.

Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”

I still have no idea when to iron that thing.

Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.

If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.

Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’

Me:

Friend:

Me: to what?

Friend:

inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced

please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume

I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes

Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.

Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.

Me: no thank you

Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.

Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.

My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.

If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.

No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed

Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!

Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!

[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…

Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.

What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!

What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.

So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1631885970193645570/pu/vid/640x640/0VpPXHJ7r_VkJ2zL.mp4?tag=12

*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*

bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M

judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence

PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc

DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*

when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off

*goes to watch youtube vid*

BUFFER

well okay *lifts weights*

*checks again*

BUFFER

*does steroids*

BUFFER

“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”

Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.

I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.