Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.

Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.

I’m Local Man.

i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon

A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).

I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.

I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.

I once sneezed so hard that I set every clock back two hours, and the Sky Marshall had a little talk with me once we landed

*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE

Just found out my wife is pregnant.

Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus

I don’t judge you when you make a typo.

I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.

Then I judge you.

*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*

A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.

My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.

Trains are just sideway elevators.

Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.

S:
D:

S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.

S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?

S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?

S: MOM! Come get your husband.

I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.

interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions

me: so I’m hired?

Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.

The Hurricane came through here like a tornado

-Lady on the News just now

I don’t want to live on this planet anymore

Talk about a bad egg

Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

Warm pools make me nervous.

If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?

pain

Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…

3: mommy, you’re the best

me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!

3: me too

Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles

my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting

I can’t stand fake people.

Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.

Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.