Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
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Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?