Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
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I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
I need a sleep apnea machine, but I have no room in my bedroom. Unless of course I get rid of my movie theater butter pump or my Jimmy Buffett Margaritaville blender.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
We loved to call random numbers and say “I think your dog is on my porch.” If we got somebody who said “I don’t have a dog” then we would yell I DON’T HAVE A PORCH and hang up.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
My 6yo told me his classmate has a pet wolf, and it’s giving him some ideas about our current pet situation
December 2023 our house was burgled and the children’s Christmas presents were stolen. Burglar was caught on our Ring doorbell and I happened to know where he lived. Instead of calling the cops, I burgled the Christmas presents back from him.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.