Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
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What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
iPhone X
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”