Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
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Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
they should schedule doctor appts like
DOORS 8:15
Nurse 8:25
Doctor 8:40
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea