Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

is this store having a stroke wtf

I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.

Britches love stitches.

Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.

Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.

I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.

I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.

Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.

Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.

*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.

When will people magazine have the balls to tell us who the sexiest dead guy is

I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.

Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation

Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book

Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree

Me: Waldo you rascal!

My 5yo: WHY DID I NOT GO TO THE FUNERAL?
Me: Well, you would have had to be quiet for an hour.
5: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I AM REALLY NOT GOOD AT THAT.

Understand men, or die trying.

Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.

Or tweet trying, to understand men.

Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.

[Wendy’s Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.

ME: Sir please get back in your car.

INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.

If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.

Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined

My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.

America has a lot of faults as a country but we absolutely went off with garbage disposals in our kitchen sinks. “just use a food catcher?? scrape the food into the trash???” thank u Europe but we actually put loud finger-ripping chainsaws in our drains god bless❤️

[lights 2016 calendar on fire]

There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.

[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]

Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.

Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything

*watching John Wick*

Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me

Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.

Which is basically the same thing.

Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.

Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?

Me: I need printer ink.

this is so top tier i cant

It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.

I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.

Business is booming.

[at the cheesecake factory]

me: I will have the cheesecake

waiter: okay

Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.