Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
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Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Throwing a baby shower isn’t actually that hard. For a start, it’s much lighter than a regular shower.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
@ candidates for local office
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic