Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
You Might Also Like
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Taylor Swift on shuffle is like “You turned me into an inside-out monster I’ll kill you if you don’t kill me first” and then four minutes later “just kidding I am a cowgirl who is eleven.”
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Work is just a series of conversations reminding people of when you tried to talk to them about what they’re now surprised about
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Another interesting #factupdates post!
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir