Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven

Him: I need advice.

Me: (eating red velvet cake for breakfast) You came to the right person.

Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.

You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂

7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?

lmao😭🤣

Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza

According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…

Without the receipt, apparently.

[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]

Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.

My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy

[job interview]

“Tell me a weakness.”

I never finish what I start.

“Care to elaborate?”

*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.

My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.

My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.

[1st day as criminal sketch artist]

Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….

Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper

Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before

Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs

i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe

Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno

Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap

sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location

What’s the different between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?

Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.

Chick Peas can hummus one.

Always tell people different stories about yourself so when they talk about you they’ll argue

If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.

If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.

*sets alarm for 6:30*

Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried

How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”

Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.

Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.

Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.

Coworker: You said all that out loud.

I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”