Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.

My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it

Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?

Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle

“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”

*nervous glance at dog

Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend

Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.

me: I just don’t know what you see in me

X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers

*Moses opens tablet*

You have TEN unread commandments.

Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.

*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*

*Takes kid to pub*

*Bumps into wife at pub*

Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December

Christians will say, “I can’t wait to get to Heaven,” and then wear a seatbelt. Y’all pick a lane

He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.

told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance

Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no

Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent

a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”

My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.

8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.

I am patiently waiting for your email

Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me

I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave

Hey, want to be best friends again?

-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened

A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”

I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.

Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.

I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle

Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.

Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?

Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.

SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool

If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?