Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.

Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.

Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips

Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.

Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.

There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter

[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way

Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’

Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’

If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.

There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.

things i’ve picked my teeth with:

– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grass

things i’ve never picked my teeth with:

– toothpick

“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”

This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.

Ordering from Amazon is so easy, and they have all my favorite brands like Wealurre, MAXIFFE, GVY, SUNNOW, EHEYCIGA and Trendy Queen.

What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on

Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.

Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*

What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?

A synonym roll.

Peace was never an option

introverts be like “i know a place” then they go home

Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today

*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples

client: i’m nervous

attorney: relax

prosecutor: the defendant is guilty

attorney: oh my god [looks at client]

client: what

attorney: you said you were innocent

Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?

Son: *looks puzzled* The what?

Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.

Son:

Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.

Son: Oh that.

I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.

[news anchor]

“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”

*wife changes channel*

Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate

If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years

Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.

Facebook-

You: Going to a concert tonight!

Friend: Sweet, what concert?

Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO

Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”