Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you

here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever

CLIENT: how much do u charge?

YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf

CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?

YOU: 3 dollars

CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!

My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

Two Ways Sharks Can Die:

1. if they stop swimming

2. if they accidentally eat a grenade

if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you

Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting

My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.

Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.

Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages

There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.

“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”

I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy

On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?

Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.

Him: no thanks

I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”

I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.

I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.

There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.

I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.

I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.

It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.

I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.

Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl

[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?

the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.

cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit

me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better

cop: you need to maintain the speed limit

me: *knocks book out of cops hands*

cop: are you trying to get arrested

me: yes please

If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day

My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.

I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey

the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up

Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.

*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.

*at swingers club*

me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?