Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
You Might Also Like
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
By my second “could we change the subject?” I could feel the job interview going south.
crying at my desk while also finding time to cry in the shower makes for a healthy work-life balance
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
🤣
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Well, when ppl tell my “Happy birthday” I reflexively tell them “Happy birthday” back, if that makes you feel any better
Active voice: “I love your article”
Passive voice: “Your article is loved”
Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*