Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
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Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened