Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
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Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
My family gathered to speak to me about my obsession with the Greek gods. Call it divine intervention.
Calling in noise complaints on my own home so my neighbor thinks I’m cool
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”