Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
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Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
relationship goals
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?