Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
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Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
this is funnier than any friends episode
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing