Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
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FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
When I find myself in times of trouble
Tinnitus it comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom,
“Eeeeeeeeeeee”
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.