Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
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Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
If chickens knew how good they tasted they would understand.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.