Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
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I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”