Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
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Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
britney spears working at an ice cream shop called scoops i did it again.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?