Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[oval office]

SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!

PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*

Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.

I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.

Her)What that mouth do?

Me)Usually get me in trouble

Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.

They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.

Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow

Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight

imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from

[college career fair]

Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*

Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.

I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye

A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.

every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.

‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’

~ The monster under my bed

New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!

Not my fess but my dentists. As a kid I hated cleaning my teeth, my dentist asked for a few mins to explain it to me, dad left us alone. Dentist pulled out pliers and proper threatened to pull all my teeth out if I had one single cavity next appointment. It worked. Psycho.

Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault

Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night

Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here

Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.

[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]

COACH: you idiots *melts*

Judge: Approach the bench.

Cat Lawyer:

Judge: pspspsps

I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty

Well this pretty much sums up 2020.

[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.

You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.

What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”

What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”

I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face

Me: don’t be hitting!

Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!

Him, 9: you threw a block at me!

Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!

I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that

Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.

Me: Red is the color of love tho.