Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe

Zoo employee 1: oh no

Zoo employee 2: oh no

Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no

Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?

Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*

Judge: Case dismissed.

If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.

Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?

This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.

I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan

A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.

Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’

Neo-natal nurse: awww

Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?

Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not

[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]

Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?

he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other

my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music

Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.

I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.

Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.

Thank goodness.

It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally

There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.

No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run

“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs

me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those

Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet

Red carpet: I’m so bruised.

STUBBORN belly fat?

Is there any other type?

Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.

I checked.

Person: What are you doing?

Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls

P: You win weirdest problem of the day

soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.

Succinctly put.

Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?

Me: Apples!

*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*

Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-

Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why

Juliet: Well-

Romeo: So you’re asking why I am

Juliet:

Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom

Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them

[frisky in the bedroom]

Me: yeah, hurt me 😏

Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!

IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS